Jeff Bezos’ First Day After Stepping Down as Amazon CEO

It’s not exactly retirement, but it’s close.

By Ian Goldstein and Ryan Ciecwisz

(Curology - @curology)

4:00 am

Wake up. Remind internal clock I am no longer CEO and don’t have to wake up so early.

4:02 am

Warn internal clock that one more slip up like that and I’ll replace it with an Amazon basics alarm clock. Laugh. Go back to sleep.

4:15 am

Wake up. Remind self that there was nothing wrong with cutting health benefits for hundreds of part-time workers.

4:30 am

Do ten pushups followed by ten Bezos pushups, which involve pressing down on the floor using newly implanted tentacles instead of hands while reminding self that you won capitalism.

5:00 am

Wonder what my name would sound like if I changed it to Jeff Bexos. Or what about Bexos Boxos?

6:00 am

Shower.

6:30 am

Wake up Lauren and ask her what she thinks of the name Bexos Boxos.

7:00 am

Stare wistfully out the window wondering if the new boss mistreats Amazon factory workers…