Break down my food first? How about I break down you?

By Ian Goldstein and Ryan Ciecwisz

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Image by Fareeha Khan (@fareeeezy)

Let me get this straight: you want me to chew my food before swallowing? No. All my life I would see a plate of food, put it in my mouth, and let gravity finish the process. But now you’re asking me to use these disgusting white bones behind my lips to tear apart a whole cookie or a perfectly ovular egg? No thanks. Those are going straight down with no interruptions.

One of the reasons I love swallowing food whole is to witness a bagel or a pile of peanuts or a candy apple…


It’s not exactly retirement, but it’s close.

By Ian Goldstein and Ryan Ciecwisz

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(Curology - @curology)

4:00 am

Wake up. Remind internal clock I am no longer CEO and don’t have to wake up so early.

4:02 am

Warn internal clock that one more slip up like that and I’ll replace it with an Amazon basics alarm clock. Laugh. Go back to sleep.

4:15 am

Wake up. Remind self that there was nothing wrong with cutting health benefits for hundreds of part-time workers.

4:30 am

Do ten pushups followed by ten Bezos pushups, which involve pressing down on the floor using newly implanted tentacles instead of hands while reminding self that…


Life is a never-ending series of prestigious lists you don’t qualify for.

By Ian Goldstein and Sam Corbin

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Credit: Element5Digital

People’s List of Sexiest Men Alive

Even though you’ve been (relatively) sexy and (relatively) alive for over thirty years now, you’ve been repeatedly snubbed on this list. You’ve made your peace with it.

The Fortune 500 List

You’ve long resigned yourself to the fact that you’ll never make enough to pay off your student loans, own property, or found a billion-dollar military-grade weapons empire. And it’s not like you haven’t tried!

Forbes’ “1 Under 1” List

If only they’d warned you about how fierce the competition would be at the NICU, you might’ve done things differently and landed that coveted modeling gig with Huggies.

The TSA’S No-Fly List

Despite your best efforts, you’ve…


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Sacks working at Kemp Mill Records in Aspen Hill, Maryland, around 1994

Over the last few years, comedy writer Mike Sacks, author of NYTimes bestseller Poking a Dead Frog, has begun publishing comedic novelizations of fake movies. His 2017 release, Stinker Lets Loose!, was a novelization to a fake trucking movie from the ’70s, in Passable In Pink, it was a John Hughes-esque movie from 1983. Now he’s releasing a novelization to a screenplay based on a fictional 1993 movie called Slouchers. …


The world must know you can ride a bike.

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Illustration by Nathan Place, IG: @NathPlac

So you can ride a bike. Amazing. This means it’s the perfect time to purchase a professional cycling outfit to show the world how well you sport tight spandex. But the inevitable question arises: When exactly should I wear my new cycling outfit? Well, here’s your guide for when to show off your new threads and why it’s all the time:

Coffee Shops

No matter what coffee shop you enter around the world, you will see that baristas LOVE cyclists, especially ones like you who rest their bikes in front of the customer entrance and let their stomachs pop out of their…


Speaking with the Toronto native about finding her voice in comedy.

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Jhanelle Dennis balances her time performing standup, working in talent acquisition for CBS, and hosting a weekly Instagram series called “Pull Up” with @leahabrahams. Jhanelle also produces and co-hosts a podcast called I’M TRYING! where she and her co-host speak with friends to discuss failure and embarrassment.

Jhanelle was performing and now, like most of us, she is confined to her home, occasionally performing on a Zoom show while exploring other creative outlets to perform. A big part of Jhanelle’s stage persona is embracing what she doesn’t know and…


Why can’t I finish anything?

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sweetlouise/Pixabay

I start. I start reading. I start writing. But for nearly thirty years I have been unable to finish a damn thing. I probably won’t finish this.

Who’s even prolific? People with agents. That’s who. The people who get their work seen by people who have the power to get their work more seen. But me? No. How can I be prolific when I can’t even finish a piece of writing and even If I did where would it go?

I’m sitting in my living room a 5:10 a.m. My cat, Roger, is crunching on…


Stay in. Save lives. Light fireworks in your apartment.

By Ian Goldstein and Ryan Ciecwisz

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(From Rakicevic Nenad on Pexels)

With summer in full swing, the temptation to flock to the beaches, the pools, and the many fireworks displays is rising. This year, however, it is crucial that we remain in quarantine until this pandemic ends.

But you need to light fireworks.

We get it. Here’s what we recommend: Stay In. Save Lives. Do your part by setting off your fireworks in your apartment.

Buy the Fireworks from a Reputable Source, Like My Uncle Who Sells Homemade Fireworks On The Side

Safety should be your number one priority when setting off fireworks in your apartment. You can trust a recently laid-off guy like my uncle who makes fireworks in his brother-in-law’s…


As similar as draft prospects and landlords may seem, they are not the same.

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(Pixabay)

We’re still in quarantine without an official rent freeze and the 2020 NFL Draft is here. It’s getting harder to tell the difference between an NFL draft prospect and my landlord who avoids any discussion of a rent freeze. This list should help. (Answers at end.)

1. May not have an elite cannon, but his arm looks strong enough to go pro.

2. Stores an elite civil war cannon in his apartment and threatens to use it when asked about a rent freeze.

3. Has terrible handwork, bad decision-making skills, and is vulnerable to losing his composure.

4. His ability…


If you keep refreshing, eventually your dreams will come true.

By Ian Goldstein and Ryan Ciecwisz, illustrations by Fareeha Khan.

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I’ve been accepted to Yale… even though I graduated from a safety school over a decade ago and never applied.

Ian Goldstein

Writer/producer/person based in Brooklyn. Work in: New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Vulture, Slackjaw, Points In Case. I eat many doughnuts, regardless of my funds.

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